CURMUDGEON by David Ross
Bob and Elizabeth Dole were sitting at the patio table eating breakfast when Elizabeth announced they were going to host a big party in San Diego - several thousand guests.
``That's great! Bob Dole loves to party. Who's coming?''
``Well, Pat Buchanan, and the Christian Coalition and the Right to Lifers and a bunch of conservatives.''
``Great! They'll get to meet the real Bob Dole. Find out what Bob Dole really stands for.''
``Well, no you can't do that! Bob, you'll have to pretend to be conservative, because that's what I've told everybody you are. Otherwise you'll spoil everything for everyone. You can't come out of the closet - not in San Diego!''
``That's no problem, Libby, Bob Dole can be conservative if he has to. He can be Ronald Reagan if that's what the Republicans want. He can cut taxes or raise them. Remember, what my old friend Dick Nixon said, `run to the right and govern to the middle.' Or did he say `run to the middle and govern to the left'? Come to think of it, it was my old friend Teddy Roosevelt who said that.''
``Now Bob Dole, you don't know what you're letting yourself in for, pretending to be a conservative. You'll have to learn to eat like a conservative, smoke like a conservative, walk like a conservative, even to talk like a conservative.''
``Libby, how does a conservative eat?''
``Well, conservatives eat lots of red meat, but, because of the sanctity of life, they make omelets without actually breaking the eggs. They eat at Jack in the Box but not Ben & Jerry's. They like meat and potatoes but not sushi. Oh, they like pesticides on their vegetables. And they attack their food.''
``Show me.''
Libby picked up a piece of toast and smeared it with butter in a great wide swath. She bit off large chunks, chewing with gusto, with little or no concern for the feelings of the bread.
``How does a conservative smoke?''
``They consume great quantities of tobacco, but never get hooked.''
``How do conservatives walk?''
Libby Dole got up from the table and sauntered across the flagstones in a pigeon-toed swagger.
``Hey, that looks like the Duke!''
``That's right, Bob Dole, conservatives walk like John Wayne.''
``Here, let me give it a try.'' Dole walked across the patio while Libby looked on critically.
Dole took two steps forward, zig-zagged to the right, then doubled back to the left, and ended up in the middle.
``No, no! You've got to do it like you mean it.''
He tried again, but threw up his hand in frustration. ``I can't do it! I can't walk that way.''
``Well, maybe we can keep you seated during the whole thing. It worked for FDR. Let's work on how you behave when you meet another conservative. OK, stand up. Here comes a Buchananite. What do you do?''
Dole outstretched his arm in an open-handed salute. ``Down with NAFTA! Up with tariffs!''
``Pretty good! OK, here comes a California delegate. Governor Wilson.''
``Right! Hello! I'm Bob Dole and we're going to close those borders. Too many illegals are sneaking in from Oregon -- We'll shut down Interstate 5.''
``It's the other side, Bob--''
``You mean they're swimming across? Good heavens, those boat people really have gone down hill --''
``No, they're from Mexico.''
``Do they speak Spanish?''
``Let's steer away from too many meetings with California residents, Bob Dole. How about this? Here comes General Colin Powell. He's not even a conservative, so this should be easy. What do you do?''
Libby went to the end of the patio, then strode over to her husband with a deliberate, military, ramrod-straight posture.
``Senator Dole, I'm General Powell.''
Dole fell to his knees. ``I'm not worthy! Please, please, please, please, be my vice president. Serve on my cabinet. Just talk to me. Make a speech for me. It doesn't even have to be a big speech. Give me your autograph! Anything at all. Just say nice things about me. . .''
``Bob Dole, get a hold of yourself! If you spend any more time groveling and pleading and biting your lip you might as well run as a Democrat!''
``OK, Libby, I'll get a grip. Now look, if I can't eat like a conservative, or walk like a conservative, maybe I can talk like one.''
``Actually, Bob Dole, keeping your mouth shut is probably your best option. Maybe we can have our big party, with all those thousands of conservative guests - and, if you don't eat, don't walk, don't smoke and don't say anything -- we may pull it off.''
``Why not, Libby? What works for Ronald Reagan can work for Bob Dole.''
This column originally appeared in the August 8, 1996 issue of the Valley Roadrunner